Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
