i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
