sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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