Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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