Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
