She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
