There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
sarcasm needs its own font
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
