I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
