Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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