My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
