I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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