I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
