It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
third nipple confirmed
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
