How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
In other news, I just burned my penis
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
