i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize