You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
