Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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