yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
