I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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