How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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