Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
