he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I intend to get homeless drunk
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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