My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
