i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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