six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
