I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
