We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
They are going to name an STD after you.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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