you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
