So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
