I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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