I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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