he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
