I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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