Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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