And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
