Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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