i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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