In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize