so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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