guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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