Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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