At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
