I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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