if i can run in heels then i can drive
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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