Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize