just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize