I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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