I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
