I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
