onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
