the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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