I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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