Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Soap is not a condiment
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
