Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
