I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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