When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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