i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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