Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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