she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
