Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
