Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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