Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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