Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
