What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
