yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
