My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
