he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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