Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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