So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
