Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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